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I'm Erin Judge. I'm a comedian and a writer. I live in Los Angeles. Let's hug.

December 31, 2016

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Things to Leave Behind in 2016:
A Listicle

Rather than resolving to adopt new practices as we enter this new year, I'm going to leave a few things at the time door. Here's what's not coming with me into 2017:

1. Arguing on the internet! I've resolved to ditch this friendship-endangering, potential-friendship-thwarting, stressful, and utterly fruitless pursuit in the past, but I'm ashamed to say this election year had me relapsing like a cheese addict in Wisconsin. Er something.

In addition to alienating me from others, arguing online can also feel like doing something when it's really not accomplishing much. No judgment to those who love arguing; I'm just not particularly persuasive. The comments section, alas, is not the best place for my time and energy.

2. Avoidance! 'Tis better to do shit than to worry about not doing shit. Only took me 35 years to figure that out.

3. Isolating myself! I'm an author, a solo performer... and an extravert. After spending tons of time working, traveling, and making art all by myself, I start spinning my wheels, thinking about how much more work I should be doing, worrying about meaningless milestones, and generally freaking out about bullshit. This leads me to resolve to work more, be more, do more, cancel plans, hide away in the service of fixing myself until I'm better, greater, good enough. Then I finally say fuck it and throw an impromptu dinner party, and I feel fucking fantastic. I don't need more work time. I need more...

4. 2013! Wow, what a shit year that was for me. Truly, really, horribly shit. I've been slowly getting over it. I've cried enough tears and, I hope, learned enough lessons. Perhaps this is the year I'm finally ready to let it go.

In order to get new and better stuff, you first gotta clear the space. I'm putting this stuff down. Who knows what I'll pick up in its place? Cheese curds? Nordic LARPing? The possibilities are endless!

So, clean out some closets. Shed some skin. And have a very happy 2017.

November 13, 2016

on misogyny, internalized and otherwise

I have my own definition of misogyny: hatred of the feminine. Most dictionaries will tell you it's hatred of women, but when you google "hatred of the feminine," misogyny is the first hit. So please consider the following with that in mind.

Misogyny, as I define it, is more than simple sexism. It's a dismissive contempt for all things that code feminine, including affection, love, tenderness, sincerity, child welfare, peace, compromise, empathy, nature, and vulnerability, just to name a few.

What do I mean by "code?" A basic understanding of deconstruction is a key to applying my weird little definition. It's actually pretty simple. We tend to categorize things as binaries -- pairs of opposites -- in our attempts to make sense of the world. Day/Night, Sun/Moon, Father/Mother. God/Goddess. You can go on. There's also Good/Bad. And there's Masculine/Feminine. And that's not about what sex or gender you are. All humans of all sexes and genders experience and express some masculinity and some femininity.

Concepts that "code" feminine are ones that fall on the same side of our conceptual binary divide as "feminine" or "woman." For example, let's take Hard/Soft and Masculine/Feminine. Hard is equated with Masculine, and Soft with Feminine.

Why am I explaining this? Well, two reasons:

1. We women know what misogyny looks like. We've been deeply conditioned to fight our discomfort when it's present, and we get ridiculed when we bring it up. Usually we're dismissed as incorrect, liars, or overreacting to a fleeting bit of nonsense. But misogyny, internalized and otherwise, just lost Hillary Clinton this election. So I'm done not mentioning it.

2. I'm not signing up for any left movements based in patriarchy and misogyny. Misogyny devalues everything in life actually worth pursuing or living for. It deprives us of access to love and peace, dismissing such concerns as "unserious." The idea that we need to be cold, unsentimental, insensitive, rote, regimented, and violent to oppose Trumpism is false. That's only the best way forward when you accept misogyny as a given, as many political movements do.

In college, I joined an international socialist party. I signed up because of my well-intentioned, empathetic young heart. But before long, going to meetings made me feel sick to my stomach.

I remember one particularly nauseating meeting. The topic was how we as socialists should approach feminism. Several women in the room talked about how great it was that they joined international socialism so they could quit getting therapy for their rape and child abuse histories and finally do something "REAL." That was one of many early signs to me that the movement was fucked up. But, because I was being taught to ignore my sensitivity and intuition by that patriarchal and misogynist ideology, I kept quiet and soldiered on. (For less than 2 years. I was done with that shit before I turned 20.)

Switching gears, let's look at today: Alt-right patriarch Steve Bannon just got tapped to be Trump's chief strategist. You can read all about Bannon's work, but this story about his history of domestic violence tells you what you really need to know about him. He dehumanizes the women closest to him. It's not that he should be disqualified from his Trump team post because women need to be protected like children (though of course children need to be protected, and he clearly harms children). It's that he has a powerful contempt for women that is an indicator of his deep contempt for all that is feminine. Because women are so fundamentally objectified in our culture, a man's treatment of women serves as a barometer for his relationship to the feminine. Bannon is clearly a misogynist, no matter how you define it.

Whatever political or group identity we hold in this country, we minimize its misogynist tendencies at our peril. Misogyny can happen on the left or the right, in any religion or cultural or political organization, in any profession or industry. But once misogyny takes hold, all infected institutions are headed in the exact same direction: dehumanization and misery. And not just for the women involved. For everyone.

As we look at Trumpism, the Alt-Right ascendence, and Hillary's loss, misogyny and internalized misogyny are bigger players than most are willing to say. I didn't talk enough about this when I saw the blatant misogyny influencing the lead up to the election. I'm talking about it now.

Some might argue that I'm not being class-conscious enough, but I do not find economic arguments sufficient at this time. Well-off whites who support Trump -- and there are millions -- confound that argument. They're agitated by perception and identity more than material circumstances. In this new century, comfortable people everywhere are angry. They're angry about inequality, sure. But that's not the only thing, or even necessarily the main thing, that's going on. Bannon himself is one of those (many) cases where simple class analysis breaks down. He doesn't want more money. He wants control, power, dominance. He's disconnected from other humans and alienated from the feminine aspects of the human experience. So he's miserable, angry, and dangerous.

The identity breakdown is certainly also about race, and I'm indebted to those who will offer us crucial racial analyses. Here's one such piece. For my part, I'm here to offer a perspective based in gender. My argument is only one and must be combined with many other arguments.

I am not 100% sure of the way forward, but after ignoring so much misogyny in the lead up to this election, I vowed after Tuesday not to let it slide anymore. I've been holding my tongue on it for years, partly because it's the unspoken code of my industry never to speak of how virulently misogynist stand-up culture is. But a lot of people are genuinely shocked at the outcome of this election. It's as if they aren't aware of the toxic waters we all swim in. I was shocked myself. I pushed my knowledge down because reality is so unfair and it goes so deep. I didn't want it to be real.

But the fact is, I have a keen perception of misogyny, so I'm speaking out. And I'm not going to stand by while movements that evolve out of this crisis poison themselves with misogyny.

And, as an artist, I aspire to help liberate men and women and everyone from the prison of misogyny. Misogyny is fundamentally dehumanizing. Misogyny robs us of most of what life is truly and deeply worth living for. Misogyny enables us to destroy our planet and beat our children. Those are the stakes.

We've got to be vibrant, creative, open, respectful, and optimistic. We've got to listen to people of color and LGBTQ+ people and women and men and believe them/us. We've got to pool our resources and play to our strengths.

At this unprecedented time, creative solutions, not dogmatic ones, are required.

November 12, 2016

post-election breakdown

I'm done having my post-election breakdown. Now it's time to actually break it all down. So let's get to work:

I'll start off by saying that YES! Let's economically improve the Rust Belt! That's been necessary for about 40 years now! And let's definitely try to figure out an economic future for small town America, and working families, without pretending that manufacturing and resource extraction jobs are coming back. People, of course, want jobs. Public works initiatives can get us partway there, but not all the way. There are not enough jobs for everyone in America's future. We must face that and come up with plans that don't involve trying to stuff the automation genie back in the bottle or tear up our remaining natural resources in search of extractable materials just to provide Americans with jobs.

from the exit polls
But in reviewing the exit poll data from the 2016 election, I saw some startling revelations. And then I saw a whole lot of people on social media coming to entirely different conclusions!

For instance, I've seen a lot of people claiming that this election is all about economics, about the decline of the Rust Belt and middle-class America. That's a really comfortable liberal analysis. But it's not accurate.

Let's unpack some of the false beliefs a lot of people on the left hold that are messing with their analyses here:

1. Racism is evil. And people are good. Therefor, people are not racist.

The truth: Racism, particularly against Muslims, BLM activists, and Mexican, Central American, and South American immigrants, was a huge factor in the way Americans voted in this election. We have to take a stand against that, always, even if it means losing votes. And we have to oppose it and call it out in our streets, from our police forces, and in our news media.

2. People vote their best interest from an economic perspective.

The truth: Most people vote based on a complex set of deeply felt issues and gut heuristics. I know I do. Being economically comfortable doesn't stop you from lodging a protest vote. Many securely middle-class people voted Trump. In fact, that is where most of his supporters stand.

3. While sexism is a problem, most people evaluate men and women fairly, based on the facts.

The truth: Most people -- women included -- don't trust women. It's a fundamental story -- the very first, in fact -- in Christianity. In this election, a woman ran against a known and clear liar, and with every victory she logged along the way, more people, including many on the left, labeled her a crook and corrupt and a liar. It's not comfortable to face how differently we all judge women, especially for those of us who believe deeply that men and women should be treated as equals. But the fact is, the electorate did not believe the woman candidate could be trusted, even though her opponent lied at every debate repeatedly and has defrauded tens of thousands of Americans for his personal economic gain. Trust was a major factor here, and the biggest liar I've ever seen run enjoyed a lot more trust than his female opponent.

If we don't face that, we'll continue to excuse the tremendous injustice women and girls face. Women's health care decisions will be taken from us, since we can't be trusted. And we will continue to live in a culture that covers up sexual assault and abuse. Not to mention we'll continue to see every major industry dominated by men and see far too few women in government, leadership, and culture.

We have to face the data. We cannot just dismiss it because it doesn't fit our narratives. We must shape our narratives to the evidence, not the other way around.

Read the exit polls. Face the data. Then let's move forward.

August 11, 2016

Vow of Celibacy is OUT!

It's official: As of this week, Vow of Celibacy is OUT!

 "Out" is also the title of the second-to-last chapter of the book. I believe that we ALL have to come out as who we are, not just LGBT people. The great transition that happens between our mid-teens and full-fledged adulthood can be complicated and difficult to navigate, but two core components are figuring out who we are and what we want, and not being afraid to share that with the world.

Vow of Celibacy is a queer story and body-affirming story and a sex-positive story, but mostly it's a story about stepping out of the shadows and into the light.

I hope you enjoy it.

July 13, 2016

vow of celibacy

My debut novel Vow of Celibacy hits bookstores August 9th, and word on the street is that it is A) sexy, B) good, and C) sexy as hell.

"Gosh, that sounds great! How can I obtain a copy of this sexy, funny book and otherwise support its release?"

Wow, thanks for asking! Here are all the ways:


*not really

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Reviews & Blurbs
"Erin Judge’s compulsively readable debut is the rare novel that contains equal parts heart and wit. And yes, it’s sexy as hell, too.”
Maris Kreizman, author of Slaughterhouse 90210

“A smart, funny, and fast-paced book about sex, love, body image, and friendship.”

“Fat-positive, bi-affirming, clever, and fun, Vow of Celibacy is the beach read of your dreams.”
Lindsay King-Miller, and author of Ask A Queer Chick

"Erin Judge's Vow of Celibacy is a smart, witty coming-of-age tale starring a complex and courageous heroine who stays burned in your memory long after you put down the book. Natalie's bold adventures in self-discovery and desire are sometimes hilarious, sometimes unnerving, but always engrossing."
Heather Havrilesky, The Cut's "Ask Polly" and author of How to Be a Person in The World

“Like an updated and more grounded Perks of Being A Wallflower, Vow of Celibacy cuts to the bone. The struggle has never been more real, and no writer understands it better than Erin Judge. There is a dearth of literature with bisexual characters at the center—Vow of Celibacy stands out because it captures the experience honestly and in a way that is so relatable. Equal parts witty and devastating, Vow of Celibacy understands the struggle to find footing in this difficult world better than anything else currently on the shelves.”
Catie Disabato, author of The Ghost Network

"Vow of Celibacy is so funny and sexy and heartbreaking and joyous! I didn't feel like I was reading accounts of relationships as much as I was overhearing friends talk about the most vital and exciting parts of them."
Josh Gondelman, comedian, co-author of You Blew It & writer for Last Week Tonight with John Oliver

Read the synopsis & find out more about my publisher, Rare Bird Books, here!

...and thanks for everything!

April 23, 2016

late april

Yesterday I received a call from a friend in search of love advice. My friend was wondering how you know if the challenges in an otherwise good relationship are red flags, or if they're just normal stuff that can be worked out. I advised this friend to take a step back and first answer a few important questions: What do you want from relationships in general? Do you want to be in a long-term relationship? Do you want, someday, to build your own family?

Partnership is not simply long-term dating. It's a different thing, a bond that lives at the nexus of romance, friendship, and family. If it's done right, the strength of all three, and indeed of every variety of relation that can be created and cultivated - erotic, collaborative, advisory, artistic, collegial, intellectual - all grow indefinitely.

Well. Until death.

Inevitable. Mercurial. Sometimes reluctant. Often merciful. At times unfathomably cruel. Death.

My mother's partner died ten years ago today. They were never married. In fact, the idea that gay marriage would be legal in Texas by 2015 was pretty much unthinkable when they got together, back in the late 1980s. Nonetheless, the period of time leading up to Doreen's death, when Mom and I held vigil over her hospital bed in our living room, helped me understand what commitment means and what it is worth, why partnership and union and the joining of lives in adulthood are all so important.

I have a lot of love in my life. I am extremely lucky. I miss Doreen very much, and I wish she could've known me and my chosen family better in my adulthood. She was very young, not quite 44 years old when she died. We needed so much more time.

Yesterday, Patton Oswalt, a person I care about and respect immensely but have interacted with only via social media, lost his wife, the writer Michelle McNamara. From all accounts, her passing was very sudden. Patton is the kind of person who routinely pens pitch-perfect reactions to events in damn near real-time, even as they happen, from hilarious jokes to eloquent articulations of outrage to poignant tributes. He's as smart as he is sensitive. My whole heart goes out to him. I wish, in the wake of this awful tragedy, that I had gifts like his to offer.

Grief is literally crazy-making. You hear voices, see things, lose your mind a bit. Those effects last longer than you might expect, especially given the three meager days of bereavement "leave" most workplaces offer. It's awful.

And, while I don't have too many core beliefs, I know this thing for sure:

Love is worth it.

Love is worth the pain of loss. Love is bigger and love lasts longer than even the worst agony and heartbreak of death. Grief changes us, shapes us, pokes holes in us that never really get filled up again. But we would be nothing at all without love.

It's been an intense week. Prince is one of those people who I knew meant a lot to me but had no idea quite how much until he was suddenly gone, also far too young. Michelle McNamara's intense curiosity and keen intellect made her True Crime Diary project so compelling. She, too, had so much more art in her, so much more to tell us, so many more stones to turn and truths to reveal.

Today, where I sit, the sun is shining. Palm trees shimmer and whisper in the wind. My husband is on his way home from a week of backpacking, and my mother is off gallivanting around America on a road trip, celebrating her retirement and her pending relocation to Southern California. Our family is smaller than it should be. But we are happy, well, optimistic.

I remain very, very grateful for love, including all the love that still lives within me for the people I've known who have died. And I get to keep that love, to savor it, for my whole entire lucky life.