erin judge writes this

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I'm Erin Judge. I'm a comedian and a writer. I live in Los Angeles. Let's hug.

January 27, 2014

thirty three

I turn 33 in 33 minutes. So here's a list!

33 Things You Must Do 33 Minutes Before Turning 33

1. Blog.

2. Drink water from your new water bottle.

3. Do the arithmetic to figure out when, exactly, to hit "publish" on this post.

4. Worry people might think this is stupid.

5. Realize you're officially too old to worry about whether people think what you're doing is stupid.

6. Obsessively check to see if your friends in Europe have wished you a happy birthday on Facebook yet.

7. Turn up the heat because it is one fucking degree outside.

8. Contemplate how long you've been alive.

9. Contemplate how little time you've been alive.

10. Get annoyed at internet culture war debates that don't matter.

11. Regret not having taken down your Christmas decorations yet.

12. Think about your sleeping husband and what a mensch he is.

13. Panic about timing this post.

14. Brainstorm like a maniac.

15. Inhale.

16. Blink.

17. Exhale.

18. Rub your RSI-addled wrists and forearms.

19. Check for new texts.

20. Grind your teeth.

21. Resolve to stop grinding your teeth once you're solidly in your mid-30s.

22. REALLY start to run out of time.

23. Lower your standards for list items.

24. Think about summer typing class in high school.

25. Or was it middle school?

26. Abandon the format you yourself created for your own post.

27. Shake your head at your own obnoxiousness.

28. Heave a huge sigh.

29. Call yourself a drama queen in your head.

30. Call yourself a "fucking drama queen" out loud.

31. Laugh at your own jokes.

32. Forgive yourself.

33. Love yourself and your work.

January 21, 2014

empire state of mine

A friend on Facebook recently posted this map of New York State's economic regions. I found it lacking. For starters, as a NYC native, I believe deep in my heart that everything other than #9 should be labeled, simply, "Upstate."

But comedy has given me the opportunity to travel all over New York in recent years, and I've managed to formulate a deeper understanding of how the whole state really works.

So I fixed the map:

There you have it. Sorry, Hamptons! Oh, and come see me and the rest of the Pink Collar Comedy Tour when we descend upon zones 1, 2 and 4 this February!

January 15, 2014

how to tell if a person is a real man

Once again, the question of what real men should do and how it's up to men to redefine manhood is all over the media. It seems odd to me that every side of every issue attempts to claim "real men" as devotees. You know what I mean. "Real men love guns" vs. "real men don't need guns to prove they're real men." And so on.

Just to clear up the confusion, I've made this handy flow chart to help you figure out if a person is a real man.

How To Tell If A Person Is A Real Man

And that's pretty much the long and short of it.

Now, whether or not you are a real man, if the question you have is about how you should behave, try going with this: be a good person and respect your fellow humans.

It's basic golden rule stuff, ladies and gentlemen and the rest of us.

Now let's all human up and be folks.