erin judge writes this

My photo
I'm Erin Judge. I'm a comedian and a writer. I live in Los Angeles. Let's hug.

April 13, 2007

not dot com

My impending nuptials have of course led me to the inevitable clearinghouse for all things wedding on the web: the knot. Positive things first: the site has a lot of great resources, features some helpful tips, and gives users a monthly checklist to ensure planning hums along smoothly. So kudos to them for that.

However, like so many websites out here in cyberspace, the knot seems a teensy bit...strapped for content. Every so often you click on an "article" about centerpieces and it goes something like:

Weddings are a time for attention to detail. Centerpieces are a thing that detail thinking about goes into. Some centerpieces include flowers, but for some they are too expensive. Other centerpieces include stuff that's not flowers, like pink things, or maybe blue. Enjoy your centerpieces that you will never forget!


Okay, maybe it's not quite that bad, but they're often really stretching.

And another thing: every tip, every article, every checklist implies somewhere within it that the role of "bride" carries a blinding level of intense stress on par with that of brain surgeon or professional nuclear device disabler. Check out this list of duties for the bridesmaids, and this one for the Mother of the Bride. They basically include instructions on how to care for the psychotically stressed-out bride by administering her electro-shocks and dolling out prescription meds as necessary. The mother of the bride is supposed to "Let the bride cry on your shoulder anytime, day or night." Wow, I never realized getting married was so...lugubrious.

Um, furthermore....the aforementioned M.O.B. list includes instructions to "Help bride choose her wedding dress, trousseau, and wedding-night peignoir." Wedding-night peignoir? I have no idea what that is, but if the words "wedding-night" are involved, then I don't want my mother anywhere near that store with me, ever. This sounds like a throw-back from the days when wedding dress shopping was the sanctioned opportunity for the mother-daughter "by the way there's such a thing as a penis" last-minute education session. thanks.

So thanks to the knot, I am now preparing to be a sweating, swearing, snapping, insane mess on "my day," armed only with a checklist and some shitty filler "information" on centerpieces. And a peignoir. Which hopefully is something I can use as a projectile when I'm mid-bride-tantrum.

You know what the knot needs? The knot needs a customized calendar to help me figure out when to time my various meltdowns. After all, they're supposed to be my one-stop web guide for all things wedding...somebody oughtta write the Guide to Coming Unglued for Brides 101.

Stay tuned......


Nonessentials said...

Whoa, wait a second...I thought my only tasks were to:
1. Buy a dress that you pick out;
2. Hip-check grandma if she gets out of hand thinking SHE'S the mother of the bride;
3. Send you as much cash as possible; and
4. Steer clear of the chardonnay to avoid any messy memories of mother standing on the chair, signing the lyrics to Akon & Eminem's "Smack That"

Of course, we can always chalk the last one up to the list's suggestion for adding a little ethnic tradition to the ceremony.

Unknown said...

I was nervous on my wedding day but mostly because the wedding was like any production I worked on as a stage manager. Nervous for that was good.

It was the planning that really stressed me out. Do you remember seeing me with a red face for most of the year I was engaged? It wasn't allergies, as much as I may have told people. Of course, you aren't moving to another country three days later, or at least I don't think you are. :-)