33 Things You Must Do 33 Minutes Before Turning 33
2. Drink water from your new water bottle.
3. Do the arithmetic to figure out when, exactly, to hit "publish" on this post.
4. Worry people might think this is stupid.
5. Realize you're officially too old to worry about whether people think what you're doing is stupid.
6. Obsessively check to see if your friends in Europe have wished you a happy birthday on Facebook yet.
7. Turn up the heat because it is one fucking degree outside.
8. Contemplate how long you've been alive.
9. Contemplate how little time you've been alive.
10. Get annoyed at internet culture war debates that don't matter.
11. Regret not having taken down your Christmas decorations yet.
12. Think about your sleeping husband and what a mensch he is.
13. Panic about timing this post.
14. Brainstorm like a maniac.
18. Rub your RSI-addled wrists and forearms.
19. Check for new texts.
20. Grind your teeth.
21. Resolve to stop grinding your teeth once you're solidly in your mid-30s.
22. REALLY start to run out of time.
23. Lower your standards for list items.
24. Think about summer typing class in high school.
25. Or was it middle school?
26. Abandon the format you yourself created for your own post.
27. Shake your head at your own obnoxiousness.
28. Heave a huge sigh.
29. Call yourself a drama queen in your head.
30. Call yourself a "fucking drama queen" out loud.
31. Laugh at your own jokes.
32. Forgive yourself.
33. Love yourself and your work.