beyond me

In these past two years without a day job, I've been working to build my comedy career, but I've also been working on myself. After 12 years (on and off, but mostly on) of therapy, I've been flying free and by the seat of my crazy-ass pants. Thank the gods, sanity has not eluded me. I used to draw solace from working with my shrink, but these days I've transitioned to a more stable and healed source of peace found in yoga and meditation. I still know how to break open my journal every time my mood plummets or a panic storm threatens to strike. And yes, I've spent bleak winter days under the covers, aching with the wretched toothy remnants of depression and dreading a single day or month or lifetime lived in that plunging pain. But, I've made it through.

My career isn't perfect, but it's plugging along. I no longer measure myself by the industry's milestones. I don't care what industry you're in, you should avoid that phony ladder stuff, but in entertainment it's particularly insidious. So, I'm building my own way and forging my own path. And sometimes, I know I could hit the fast-forward button and get where I'm going a little quicker, but I've always been chasing the wrong goals -- money, fame, acceptance, blah blah blah.

Today a new perspective hit me like a ton of bricks...you know, the motivatey kind. Of bricks. I suddenly realized that the sooner I get my career moving, the sooner I'll be able to speak to the people I want to reach. My highest aspiration as an artist is to bring joy and self-respect to people who desperately need both. Once I get my ass in gear, I'll be reaching more people, doing more good, being of service, making others happy. And once I earn a bit more money, I can start making more significant contributions to the kinds of organizations I am committed to supporting.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not trying to suggest that my stand-up comedy career is a selfless Mother-Theresa-esque enterprise. But I'm just not built to accomplish serious significant stuff just for myself, for my own glory or financial gain or social power. I want to be a part of something... No, it's more that I know on a fundamental level that I am a part of something. I want to support what is healthy about our world, to lend my voice and my resources and my talents to the best and truest of human enterprises, so that we can all do better and feel better and be better. Maybe it's squishy and idealistic, but it's real to me, and it gives me a tremendous kick in the ass to keep going. And an authentic reason to push forward is something that we all need.