erin judge writes this

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I'm Erin Judge. I'm a comedian and a writer. I live in Los Angeles. Let's hug.

March 12, 2008

Whither Spitzer? What of Silda?

Once, just once, I want a politician's wife to stand right next to him during his "whoops I did sex with something" speech and give an impromptu oration of her own...

Excuse me, pardon me, press corps? Yes, now, I understand that the juicy part of this conference that you came to cover is over, but would any of you perhaps be at all interested in what I have to say, which nobody has written for me and neither my soon-to-be-ex husband nor any of his political consultants or staffers has seen or could ever even have imagined in their wildest nightmares? You WOULD? Oh, alright then...move over, dear, there's a lady stepping to the podium.

Well, let me start off by saying, if I'd known I could've been charging him a thousand bucks an hour all this time, I would've cashed in and left after second year law! Ha ha, just a little "my husband banged a psychotically expensive hooker" joke there. Anyhoo, while I was standing over there, pale and steadfast-seeming in my resolve, I couldn't help but think, you know, gee, I'm actually a bit annoyed here. Yes, it's true; honestly, I am P.O.'ed. I am T'd off. Oh hell, I'm just plain mad. Not only did I have to shove myself into control-top pantyhose and prance out here in front of all of you, but after this, I have to go home and explain to an eight-year-old child what a prostitution ring is. While my husband drinks single-malt scotch and stares out steamy office windows contemplating his fate and folly, I have to field calls from his entire extended family who all ask how HE'S doing, how HE'S handling it. Well, who cares about him?! He made his bed, and unfortunately being his wife I too am expected to lie in it. Well, bump dat. I'm out, yo. And I'm taking the laptop, because I'm going to write a very detailed chronicle of all of his sexual...eccentricities. Like how he likes to snort lines of Junior's crushed Ritalin off my stomach. And that's only the beginning.

Well, thanks for listening. TTYL, Sweetie. Good luck facing the wolves!


[Exit stage center.]

Ah, how delicious it would be! Instead, we could very well have a man-stand-by-er as our first female president. Whatever the relevance to her candidacy, Hillary's ways during the Lewinsky days are what some people love her for and what a whole bunch of others really hate her for. What's clear to me is that Hillary listened to the consultants and followed the scripts...so we continue to wait for the wife who refuses to play along when her arrogant, self-sabotaging, power-hungry husband "betrays the public" when in actuality she is the one betrayed, far more than anyone else.

March 5, 2008

Barack Fever and Hillary Chills

Now, I like Barack Obama as much as the next guy, but I have to say, after reading the polemical freak-outs that my peers have been posting on Facebook after Hillary's victories last night, perhaps it's time to calm the hell down. Barack Obama is a POLITICIAN. People are flipping their shit on Hillary right now, lashing out like she's their mom and they just received an unfair grounding. Look, I don't love her politics, but I'm surprised people can feel so 100% aligned with Obama that they act so shocked and defensive when Hillary puts up a fight. I hear a lot of, "She'll do anything to win." I don't think that's true; I think she WANTS to win, but that's the whole point. I hear a lot of complaints about her Iraq war vote. In fact, I'm not voting for her because of her Iraq war vote, but then, I voted for Nader in 2004 (and I'll probably do it again because fighting the two-party system is more important to me than any candidate's rhetoric). My point is, Hillary is the Senator from New York. The JUNIOR Senator. She's the New York City brand Senator. Everybody in my family is from New York City, and back in 2003, every one of them was like, "Yup let's go to war!" Granted, none of my recent-college-grad friends living in Manhattan felt that way; they weren't fooled by the deliberate obfuscations of the Bush/Cheney/Rove war machine. But please remember, we were living in a PTSD propaganda state, and I honestly think Clinton voted the way she heard from her constituents that they wanted her to vote. It's a tough choice, and she did the wrong thing, but she didn't start the Iraq war. Bush did.

So as I made clear above, I'm not a Democrat; I'm a lefty, and I'm usually pretty alienated by the mainstream Democrats. What I don't understand is why so many of my highly, highly educated Facebook-posting peers feel such a genuine sureness about Barack Obama and such patent hostility towards Hillary Clinton. I work at comedy clubs every night, and cheap shots at Hillary (about her frumpiness or her nut-cracking or her thick ankles -- in fact many of these jokes are about her appearance) are an instant easy laugh, especially in ultra-liberal Cambridge, MA, where I work the most. People have very little sympathy for Hillary Clinton, and people my age seem suspicious of her motives ("She wants to be President at every cost!") while simultaneously believing all the hype about Barack Obama and his "we"-will-win-the-nomination-type rhetoric. In my mind, they're both politicians. They both have strong points and weaknesses. Barack Obama would be better for the world image of this nation, better for American democracy (having the same 2 families in the White House since 1989 or even 1981 if you count the Bush Vice-Presidency is kind of freaking spooky), and better for consensus-building. But if rank-and-file party members in Texas and Ohio and elsewhere hand Hillary the nomination, what are Barack fans going to do, vote for McCain? The Straight Talk Express doesn't seem like it would be very good at international diplomacy or consensus building or leadership or, well, anything, except being a dude instead of a Mom.

This election has definitely brought to the surface my feminist social observations more than once (Oprah's whiney lady impression, anyone?). One positive such moment was when I realized that, wow, a mother could be the President. Not just a woman, but a mother. There's something moving about that. And it's wonderful that either of the Democratic candidates getting the nomination will make history. Now it's just a question to see if the kids in the Obama camp can even give a shit about Hillary's positive points after all of this. If not, and if she gets the nomination, then the Dems will probably lose.

March 3, 2008

marrying things

If I weren't marrying my perfect fiance, here are some other things I would probably marry instead:

* Gina's Mocha Explosion

* this dress

* mac & cheese & broccoli

* my Fluevogs

* Slings & Arrows

* Heather Havrilesky's column

* pinot noir

* the laughter of strangers