I'm in the middle of my least-responsibility-laden time of life since childhood. So far, it's an extraordinary and challenging experience. I'm all over the place when it comes to handling myself at a time like this. Some days I bustle from dawn until late into the night, writing and working out and cleaning and cooking and meditating and shopping and paying bills and making social calls and telling jokes and lining up gigs and updating my website and buzz buzz buzz. Other days I sit on the couch like an oversized piece of lint and read shitty blogs I do not care about and watch episodes of "Sex and the City" I've already seen eighty trillion times.
During my two years of IB hell in high school or my four years of too many extracurricular activities in college or my six years of day job plus comedy comedy comedy plus dating plus learning how to be a freaking grown-up, all I wanted was some time to relax and find balance. Some TIME OFF. I craved it, I dreamed about it, I hatched a crazy plan and toiled for years until I made it happen. Finally. A break.
A break is a funny thing. It turns out, none of our habits or impulses necessarily change, even when our day-to-day circumstances shift radically. Balance is not innate, and I lack experience with it, in my own life or in the examples of the people around me.
I'm trying. That's all I know. I'm trying to take really good care of myself, to devote myself to my favorite pursuits, to work diligently and intelligently, to say stuff, to challenge comfortable and harmful habits of body and mind. I've discovered -- or perhaps at last simply processed the immensity of -- a great open-ended longing inside of me. Achievement, success, personal discipline, material possessions -- none of these things take the edge off for more than a couple of days. The aching longing is for something else, and it's finally clear to me that it's satisfaction with what I have and who I am. Right now. Every molecule and atom that constitutes my being at this very moment, even as I deposit pieces of myself into the air and onto my keyboard. I long for me to be okay with me.
And that acceptance is on its way. Or at least the elements seem to be gathering....