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I'm Erin Judge. I'm a comedian and a writer. I live in Los Angeles. Let's hug.

March 12, 2008

Whither Spitzer? What of Silda?

Once, just once, I want a politician's wife to stand right next to him during his "whoops I did sex with something" speech and give an impromptu oration of her own...

Excuse me, pardon me, press corps? Yes, now, I understand that the juicy part of this conference that you came to cover is over, but would any of you perhaps be at all interested in what I have to say, which nobody has written for me and neither my soon-to-be-ex husband nor any of his political consultants or staffers has seen or could ever even have imagined in their wildest nightmares? You WOULD? Oh, alright then...move over, dear, there's a lady stepping to the podium.

Well, let me start off by saying, if I'd known I could've been charging him a thousand bucks an hour all this time, I would've cashed in and left after second year law! Ha ha, just a little "my husband banged a psychotically expensive hooker" joke there. Anyhoo, while I was standing over there, pale and steadfast-seeming in my resolve, I couldn't help but think, you know, gee, I'm actually a bit annoyed here. Yes, it's true; honestly, I am P.O.'ed. I am T'd off. Oh hell, I'm just plain mad. Not only did I have to shove myself into control-top pantyhose and prance out here in front of all of you, but after this, I have to go home and explain to an eight-year-old child what a prostitution ring is. While my husband drinks single-malt scotch and stares out steamy office windows contemplating his fate and folly, I have to field calls from his entire extended family who all ask how HE'S doing, how HE'S handling it. Well, who cares about him?! He made his bed, and unfortunately being his wife I too am expected to lie in it. Well, bump dat. I'm out, yo. And I'm taking the laptop, because I'm going to write a very detailed chronicle of all of his sexual...eccentricities. Like how he likes to snort lines of Junior's crushed Ritalin off my stomach. And that's only the beginning.

Well, thanks for listening. TTYL, Sweetie. Good luck facing the wolves!


[Exit stage center.]

Ah, how delicious it would be! Instead, we could very well have a man-stand-by-er as our first female president. Whatever the relevance to her candidacy, Hillary's ways during the Lewinsky days are what some people love her for and what a whole bunch of others really hate her for. What's clear to me is that Hillary listened to the consultants and followed the scripts...so we continue to wait for the wife who refuses to play along when her arrogant, self-sabotaging, power-hungry husband "betrays the public" when in actuality she is the one betrayed, far more than anyone else.

2 comments:

jared said...

WORD!

Rose said...

Wow....just....wow....If only Hillary had said something amazing like that...