erin judge writes this

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I'm Erin Judge. I'm a comedian and a writer. I live in Los Angeles. Let's hug.

August 26, 2007

Your Source for Lazy Feminist Bride Advice

Dear Worst Bride Ever,

I come from a Catholic family, but I'm definitely not down with the Church myself. I don't practice, and I certainly don't want to give their child abuse conspiracy any money to host my wedding. My fiance's family is not religious except for being really into nature, so we've decided to get married outside. Done deal.

Now, the problem is my grandmother. The woman has no memory loss or senility whatsoever, but she keeps pretending that we haven't made plans for our ceremony yet. Every two weeks, she says, "Now, have you decided on where to have the ceremony?" And I say, "Yeah, dude, we're getting hitched by a J.P. outside!" Except I usually don't call her dude. Anyway, then she cries, and then we go through the whole thing again. Freaking fortnightly. How do I handle this?

-Irritated Heretic


Dear I.H.,

Wow, that is so funny because literally the exact same thing keeps happening to me! In fact, I too occasionally call my grandmother "dude" whilst in the throes of annoyed self-repetition! In double fact, it's almost as if I myself were describing my very own situation in the letter you submitted!

Note to readers: Submit your letters!

Anyhoo, here's how I've been dealing with it:

1. Cheerfully repeat yourself, basking in the unique warmth of feeling totally guilt-free in a situation that would have made you racked with shame and paralyzed with guilt a mere ten years of therapy ago.

2. Emphasize how "comfortable" this scenario makes "everyone," implicitly blaming your fiance and in-laws. When Grandma snaps back with a, "But you're the bride. YOU should be comfortable," just repeat that it's what makes EVERYONE comfortable and hope she doesn't challenge you due to her own fear of even hearing you articulate your personal heathen theologies.

or (and this is really my favorite)

3. Foist her off on your mother.

Good luck!

Love and cocktails,
W.B.E.

As for the rest of you, seriously, SUBMIT YOUR LETTERS!!

August 21, 2007

Cracking

Ohhhhhhh.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, the pressure!

Pushin' down on me. Pushin' down on you. No bride asks for
*.

Sooooo...IguessIhaven'texactlybloggedinawhileIguess. Sorry, loyal blogosphere-ee-ites. But you see, I am just absolutely positively cracking under the pressure of abject real-world bride-ocity. It's totally, totally true.

Ahem.

Okay, so maaaaaybe I've been ignoring my wedding-obsessing-related duties and focusing instead on advancing my comedy career. But that's not the real, actual, veracious reason why I've been neglecting this blog. The truth -- and I mean absolute, thorough, Bible-esque truth -- is that I have been inundated with fan mail. Rather than continue the blogging that has garnered so many fans and followers, I instead conducted a leisurely wade through the reams and chapters and volumes of letters I've received from my fellow hysterical indie-bride. And, dear readers, in doing so, I have finally found my calling: advice columnist to the stars! Errr, brides! The star-brides! Of indie-wedding-dom.

So now I'm a part-time internet weblog advice columnist. Which is freaking awesome. So write in your questions ladies! And gents, er whatever! Advice begins now! And please, keep your questions to the psychological and emotional rather than the practical. I can't tell you which fucking centerpieces to pick or how to stretch your budget for the sake of the salmon, alright? I'm more about the where-to-stash-one's-alcoholic-family problems. Capiche?!

Okay, so that's settled. And also I will blog regular-like, but there will be lots of advice given as well. On with the fun!

love,
W.B.E.

*Yeah, I know, we're all asking for it. What with our scandalous floor-length virgin-white** dresses and all.

**New from Crayola!