erin judge writes this

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I'm Erin Judge. I'm a comedian and a writer. I live in Los Angeles. Let's hug.

May 24, 2007

Vow Mad Libs!

Thanks to this handy vow writing crib sheet, I created a fun Bridal Mad Lib! You know, to BEAT THE STRESS!!! It was easy; I just filled in the blanks! Enjoy!

What did you think when you first saw him/her? Start from the beginning -- you didn't want to go out and now you’re grateful your friends dragged you out? How to use: "When we met at the mall, I knew you also liked the mall.”

Where do you see yourselves in 10 years? 20 years? 40 years? Go deeper than "Happily married in a big house." What are your long-term hopes, dreams, and goals? How to use: "I look forward to drinking, laughing and drinking as we drink at our forthcoming wedding reception.”

Is there a line from a movie, song, or poem that says it all? It's okay to borrow, as long as it's not too much of a cliche (we’re sorry, but "You complete me" is suffering from overuse). Instead modify something familiar to personalize. How to use: Subtly. "I watch you complete me, and I think to myself, what a wonderful world."

Can you think of a funny or touching experience that put your partner in a new light? The way he played with your little cousin or helped your grandmother up the stairs showed you that under his macho exterior is a wittle, bitty bunny wabbit and you love him for it. How to use: "When you pulled out the handcuffs, I saw you for the freak-nasty person you are. And that made me want to blow a wad in your face."

What do you have now that you didn't have before you met? Focus on the heart and head, not material possessions. Has she taught you to appreciate beauty differently? Has he helped you learn to savor creating a home-cooked meal? How to use: "Before I met you, I liked badminton. Now I continue to enjoy badminton, with the added challenge of an opponent."

What about him/her inspires you? What is it about your fiance that you'd like to improve in yourself? What do you most respect about your partner? How to use: "Your lawyer has shown me how to cheat on my taxes."

What metaphor (or simile) would capture your love? Think of something that describes or defines your love: Is it strong like a castle? Peaceful like a mountain stream? How to use: "Our love is like a strong feeling of emotion between two people because it is the noun we’ve employed most often to describe our mutual sentiment."

Why are you entering the bond of marriage? Think about why marrying your fiance is so special. You may be surprised how the answer leads you to the perfect words. How to use: "To me, marriage is hell. With you, it's double-hell.”

What will keep your marriage strong? Find the bedrock of your relationship. What makes your relationship tick? Is it your resilience? Your shared sense of humor? How to use: "Even when we enter trial separation, we will have a legal obligation to each other that will prove very time-consuming and costly to terminate."

May 14, 2007

you are whatever shit you want

There are six kinds of couples, at least for the purposes of theknot.com and Macy's new wedding registry venture...oh, pardon me, LIFESTYLE REGISTRY venture. There, you can take a 7-question quiz about what kinds of expensive vacations and expensive cocktails you like, and then it spits out not only who you are but, even more conveniently, which expensive shit is right for you! How fucking fabulous is that?!?!

After completing the gruelling questionnaire (for blogo-research purposes only), I discovered that my better half and I are "Happy Hipsters," which apparently means:

You prove that adulthood doesn't have to mean being too serious. Think last-minute road trips, one-pot meals that are somehow to die for, and date nights in. You love to entertain without a lot of pretense or labored preparation -- as long as there's enough food and drink, you trust the rest will fall into place. That relaxed vibe rubs off on your guests, who all feel comfortable in your nest. Registering for multipurpose, sure-to-be used pieces will make your life even cozier.


It then suggests we register for Kate Spade china and a Kitchen-Aid 5 qt. standing mixer. How does that reflect a "relaxed vibe," let alone "hipster"-ishness? Nowhere does it recommend instructing our loved ones to buy us black skinny jeans or sleeve tattoos or condos in Williamsburg. Sure, the Kate Spade china has a picture of a bug on it, but...hipster? Come on, Macy's, how do you connect those dots?

The five other species of couples that could possibly exist are as follows: Jet Setters, True Romantics, Independent Spirits, All-American Dreamers, and
Connoisseurs. Just for contrasting shits and giggles, I clicked on the "Independent Spirits" list, and found out that this second-person archetypi-couple has a "creative lifestyle [which] means you're always discovering the next best kept secret" and should use the registry to "make [your home] as fascinating and creative as you are." This boundless creativity is expertly matched with Mikasa dinnerware and Waterford bedding: "The Glengarrif Bedding collection helps you create a truly royal suite. Rich, regal shades of reds and golds, elegantly embroidered sheets and indulgently-detailed accessories create a luxurious look and opulent feel." Indie-licious!

My betrothed and I attempted to start a registry a couple of weeks ago. So far we've gotten as far as a couple of quality kitchen knives and a Playstation 3. Who's the independent spirit now?

Be-otch.

May 11, 2007

worst bride ever blogs again

Planning a wedding is boring because you do all this stuff and then you just sit around and wait and everybody says "how's the wedding planning going" and you're like it's fine I guess except I haven't really done anything in a few weeks because we already reserved the venue and picked out some dress stuff and found bartending companies and started to register and there's fourteen whole months left before the big day so what the fuck else can I do, go and pick flowers or some shit? Well I don't think that would be very good because all the flowers I pick now will be long since dead and turned to dust by the time my wedding rolls around in fourteen whole effing mothereffing months, okay? Okay???

And then everybody feels sorry that they asked.