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I'm Erin Judge. I'm a comedian and a writer. I live in Los Angeles. Let's hug.

April 10, 2007

Skinny Bitches With Problems

While perusing the OMG You Are So Inadequate aisle at the Pittsford, NY Barnes and Noble the other day, I came across a volume entitled, simply, Skinny Bitch. Written by two bitches who are indeed skinny (or very convincingly Photoshopped), the book attempts to drill-sargeant you into the hot body of your dreams. And the weird thing is, I found it oddly...refreshing.

Sure, these woman are not just skinny bitches, they're skinny vegan bitches who actually cite ending cruelty to animals as their #1 reason for writing the book. One shrill admonition against dairy, for instance, enjoins the reader to "Go suck your mother's tits." Um, touché? I guess? But oh, that's only the beginning! (And now I'm paraphrasing): Seriously, go! Go suck your mother's tits! We'll wait here! No? You're not going? Ha! HA! See? Ergo brie is evil. The chapters on (not) eating animals and (nor) dairy read less like a life improvement plan and more like somebody accidentally fed Ingrid Newkirk after midnight and handed her a word processor.

This whole book is exactly the kind of thing that I would usually deconstruct incessantly whilst steam poured from my ears for at least six or seven more paragraphs...but the truth is, I didn't hate it! When the Skinny Bitches say to quit smoking, they tell it like it is: Smoking is stupid and gross and it's fucking killing you and it's not hot or sexy or even remotely cool. I mean, "Stop putting shit in your lungs" is a pretty unimpeachable message. And they're similarly merciless about alcohol, soda, artificial sweeteners, packaged foods, and lots of other shit that is sold basically just to fucking kill you.

In the end, even their abuse comes across as playful teasing, even when they call the reader farty or a lazy shit or a stinky pig-beast or whateverthefuck. With their cheesey, oft-forced, over-the-top "bitch" tone, they actually manage to take all the desperate bargaining, hand-wringing decision-making, and gut-wrenching emotional power out of stuff like food choices for a second and give a different perspective. A different fucking perspective, you shit.

So my recommendation is not to buy this book, unless you really need an epic list of Skinny Bitch-approved packaged vegan snacks. But if you happen to notice it in the store, glance at it for a couple of seconds, have yourself a chuckle, and thank the Skinny Bitches for their teeny-tiny size 2 cents.

And then go check out some other awesome, smart, fabulous bitches.

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