10 March 2014

hack battle of the hack sexes

Over the weekend, the gangs of marauding feministas over at Jezebel and The Gloss took the #LiesToldByFemales hashtag to task for its sexism and reductionism. Jezebel even started to deconstruct the #LiesToldByMales tag for being equally essentializing and harmful.

As a comedian, I feel compelled to point out that the primary sin of these Tweets is being SO. FUCKING. HACKNEYED.

I will now demonstrate this by writing as many #LiesToldByMales-style Tweets as I can in one and one half seconds.

Ready? GO:

I know where I'm going.

Yeah, I can fix that.

Of course I never look at porn.

That was the most delicious thing I've ever eaten.

It's fine if you don't shave your legs for a few days.

My wife is the only woman I look at.

We just play poker for nickels.

Yes, I definitely want another kid.

I'm fine with driving the minivan to work.

I love hanging out with your friends.

A handjob? Sure. I'd really like that.


OMG LOL, right?

The only thing less funny on Twitter than some battle of the sexes hashtag is when conservatives try to make fun of liberals. That usually turns out like:

#ThingsObamaSays Hey give me all your gun and money we dont have that stuff in Kenya where Im from!!!

That might actually make too much sense. I'll try to come up with a better example next time I'm drunk.

09 March 2014

spring forward resolutions

For those of us who live in the Polar Vortex Belt, January and February can be tough. And this year... hoooo boy. I only set one New Year's Resolution for myself in 2014: Stop arguing on the internet. Alas, it turns out my ancient laptop is also an excellent heat source. I confess that I've stumbled in my walk with shutting the fuck up online several times.

It occurred to me this morning that Spring Forward is a much more sensible time to shift away from bad habits. The extended hours of daylight and, ahem, warmer weather (any day now) provide a much more comfortable context for letting go, moving on, and taking a friggin' walk. 

So today I'm re-committing myself to a practice of non-engagement online. And here are a few other things I'm gonna do to support this spring resolution:

Read stuff made of paper.
 I discovered this amazing thing last year called "the library." Turns out we avid readers don't have to stare at words on a glowing lightbulb or spend $80 a week on items we'll resent when we have to move apartments in order to indulge our passion. Plus, I have stacks of papers and magazines I've yet to peruse, and zero of them feature headlines like Ten Ways To Know You Won't Believe Your Eyes When Your Head Explodes From Clicking Here

Don't consume crap that make me cranky. Lately I've been rewarding myself for my continued childlessness with cigarettes. The frequency of my smoking has jumped around from "seldom" up to "often" and then back down to "sometimes." I definitely don't want to find myself at "always," so it's probably wise to set the dial to "never." And even just one cigarette can cast a pall over my outlook for hours. Too much caffeine has a similar effect, as does a shitty night's sleep. I'm old enough to know how to avoid all these pitfalls, and it's probably time to go ahead and, you know, do that. Or whatever.

Hulu Plus. More specifically, Daria. Sure, the ads reveal that Daria's target demographic is anxious, overachieving 30-something women reminiscing about their* sardonic pasts in between depositions, birthing classes and diet yogurt injections. I don't fucking care. I love it. 

But if it's not your thing, hey, that's cool. I'm not going to argue with you.

*Fine, our. Our sardonic pasts.

03 March 2014

let it snow! make it stop!

I moved to Massachusetts for college, and since then I've ridden the emotional roller coaster at Winter Wonderland many, many times. It goes like this:

November: "Is that a snowflake? Ooo! I think I see a single snowflake!"

December: "Look at that snow sparkle! O how it does twinkle and glitter in yon electric light!"

January: "Brrrr! Ha ha! Sure am glad I got these silk liners for the gloves I wear under my mittens!"

February: "How much is a ticket to St. Thomas again? I'm sorry, did you say $1600?"

March: "No. NO, damn it. I am not shoveling again. Fuck you, you can fucking walk in the street."

April: "Is that a snowflake? Is that a goddamn snowflake!? Are you kidding me right now?!"

Stay calm, everyone. Just two and a half more months to go.

Maybe three.

27 January 2014

thirty three

I turn 33 in 33 minutes. So here's a list!

33 Things You Must Do 33 Minutes Before Turning 33

1. Blog.

2. Drink water from your new water bottle.

3. Do the arithmetic to figure out when, exactly, to hit "publish" on this post.

4. Worry people might think this is stupid.

5. Realize you're officially too old to worry about whether people think what you're doing is stupid.

6. Obsessively check to see if your friends in Europe have wished you a happy birthday on Facebook yet.

7. Turn up the heat because it is one fucking degree outside.

8. Contemplate how long you've been alive.

9. Contemplate how little time you've been alive.

10. Get annoyed at internet culture war debates that don't matter.

11. Regret not having taken down your Christmas decorations yet.

12. Think about your sleeping husband and what a mensch he is.

13. Panic about timing this post.

14. Brainstorm like a maniac.

15. Inhale.

16. Blink.

17. Exhale.

18. Rub your RSI-addled wrists and forearms.

19. Check for new texts.

20. Grind your teeth.

21. Resolve to stop grinding your teeth once you're solidly in your mid-30s.

22. REALLY start to run out of time.

23. Lower your standards for list items.

24. Think about summer typing class in high school.

25. Or was it middle school?

26. Abandon the format you yourself created for your own post.

27. Shake your head at your own obnoxiousness.

28. Heave a huge sigh.

29. Call yourself a drama queen in your head.

30. Call yourself a "fucking drama queen" out loud.

31. Laugh at your own jokes.

32. Forgive yourself.

33. Love yourself and your work.

21 January 2014

empire state of mine

A friend on Facebook recently posted this map of New York State's economic regions. I found it lacking. For starters, as a NYC native, I believe deep in my heart that everything other than #9 should be labeled, simply, "Upstate."

But comedy has given me the opportunity to travel all over New York in recent years, and I've managed to formulate a deeper understanding of how the whole state really works.

So I fixed the map:

There you have it. Sorry, Hamptons! Oh, and come see me and the rest of the Pink Collar Comedy Tour when we descend upon zones 1, 2 and 4 this February!